Tuesday, February 7, 2012

The Fun Run Is A Lie

No, I'm not any kind of expert in the field of running.  I'm sure there are loads of people out there who actually enjoy putting on tennis shoes and going out and running from here to there with absolutely no real reason to be doing so other than to move their butts and burn off some calories.

But I do know this:  there is absolutely no such thing as a "Fun Run."

I despise running.  Oh, don't get me wrong, I still do it.  Every day I can.  Basically, at least four to five times a week.  

I just hate it.

It disgusts me.

I think my main reason for hating it is because it's boring.  Sure, I listen to my iPhone play music that helps set a beat so that I can "get lost" in the music and ignore what my poor, wretched body is doing...  In theory.  The reality?  I use the beat to get my feet going, and then I concentrate on not falling on my face and looking like a complete dork.

And while I succeed in the "not falling on my face part," I'm fairly certain I fail miserably with the not "looking like a complete dork" part.

Yet, I continue to do so.

Usually at the wrong times of the day, I might add.

You see, if I'm going to go running, I like to do it alone.  Completely alone.  As in, there's-no-other-person-on-the-YMCA-jogging-trail-except-me type of alone.  And I've yet to be there at a time when there was no one else on the trail.

And I've been there at ALL HOURS.

I think that a large part of my problem has been my shorts.  You see, until last Tuesday (a week ago now), I didn't have any real "running" shorts.  I had jean shorts.  That was the extent of my wardrobe collection.  And not just any jean shorts.  These are OLD jean shorts.  I've had them for roughly fifteen years.  They are my favorite, most comfortable shorts I own.  I do everything in them from lounging around (which I do a LOT of) to painting my children's bedrooms (not so much anymore, but probably will be doing again soon) to running around and accomplishing errands to running around a track and accomplishing little to nothing.

Have you ever tried to run in jean shorts?  They're heavy.  Which, under normal circumstances, would be a good thing.  Except for the fact that as I lose weight, I'm getting disproportionately thinner.  

What I mean by this is that where I *want* to lose the fat isn't where it's disappearing as much.  I'm losing it more around my waist, in my face, and in my arms more than in my belly.  This is both a good thing and a bad thing.

You see, when I started this all on January 9, 2012, I was wearing (holy crap) 46x30s.  I've been wearing them for roughly three years now.  And in the month since I started with all this stupid running business, my old ('cause I kept them) 44x30s are beginning to fall off of me.  

My shorts are 44's.

Meaning, they're falling off of me.

Do you know how hard it is to run in jean shorts when they're falling off you?  As I said before, I look like an idiot while I'm trying to run.  Why?  Because I've been running and having to hold up my shorts.

But I haven't really been wanting to spend the money on actual running shorts.  Why?  They're expensive.  Especially in *my* size.

Finally, I couldn't take it any more.  Well, that, and Academy finally ran a sale on theirs.  Got some UnderArmor's for $25.  XLs, so I'm happy about that.  I think.  I have no idea what size that translates to.  They're a little big on me, but not as tight as the Ls were.  And they have a drawstring, so I can really cinch those babies up tight.  So as long as I'm not carrying anything with me (my phone, my wallet, my keys, all of which I worry about while I'm out running), they stay up where they're supposed to go.

Sheesh.  That was an aside I wasn't banking on.  Let me get back to the point of this post:  Fun Runs are a lie.

So I signed myself up for not one but TWO 5Ks.  

Because I'm an IDIOT.

One of them is at the end of March, and I'm bound and determined to run at least MOST of it.  I can't quite run 3 miles yet.  Well, no, that's a lie.  I can't run a mile yet.  But I'm working my Couch-to-5K like a dog, and I'm hoping to be able to run at least 2 miles of the 5K by the end of March.

And that's if my body doesn't give out on me.  By the time I'm finished with the 30 minutes the Couch-to-5K "lesson" takes me, my knees are cranky, my thighs and calves are screaming, my lungs are burning, and my shins hurt like nobody's business.  Unfortunately, that means I'm usually fairly cranky by the time I'm done, too.  Out of breath to be sure (and that's probably a good thing to anyone who smiles at me 'cause I can't bite their heads off).

And while I'm running (and getting lapped by others who are out there running making me feel even more inferior), I'm looking for that "runner's high" that liars people who run keep telling me about.  I don't think my body is capable of producing those hormones or whatever they are.  So, basically, I've reached a conclusion:  the people who tell you that they get runner's highs?  I think they're deluded.  I think it comes from a lack of oxygen to the brain.  

I hope I'm wrong, though.

But I doubt it.

So back to the Fun Runs being a lie.  I received an e-mail from the people whom I had to sign up with for the March 5K.  It was entitled "Fun Runs 2012!" and listed several "Fun Runs" that are occurring this year.

Given all I've already said, I cannot for the life of me understand why ANYONE would call these things "Fun."

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