Monday, February 13, 2012

Donut Dipsticks

One of the blogs that I follow (you can see the ones I try to read every day over there on the right-hand side of your screen under the comics) is People I Want to Punch in the Throat.  I have since her classic Over Achieving Elf-On-The-Shelf Mommies post.  And, yes, I've read through a great many of her previous ones.  She's extremely talented.  I will give you a language warning for her, though.  But she's still incredibly funny.

Anyway, I say all that to say this:  I'd like to punch whoever it is that keeps bringing donuts into this office in the throat.

I love donuts.

I cannot have donuts.

I want to eat donuts every time I see them sitting there in all their glazed/frosted/jellied/powdered glory.

I cannot have donuts.

I want to dive into those donuts feet first and leave in a doughnut-induced sugar coma.

Did I mention that I cannot have donuts?

They are nowhere on my diet.

And someone keeps bringing them in.  Every.  Day.  Boxes of them.  Daylight Donuts.  Krispy Kremes.  Dunkin Donuts.  Dear.  Lord.  I'm sitting here salivating even as I think of these things.

Do you have ANY CLUE how many calories are in a doughnut?

Krispy Kremes are anywhere from 100 calories (for the boring "sugar") to 400 (for the oh-so-good Iced Chocolate Cream) calories.  PER DONUT.  And my favorite?  The regular, yeast glazed donut?  190!  DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY OF THESE THINGS I CAN CRAM IN MY MOUTH?!?!?

Dunkin Donuts are even worse.  The smallest calorie count I can find is 240 for a cocoa glazed.  It's 550 for that chocolate coconut cake donut.  Oh my dear lord.  And it's so good it can make your toes curl.

When someone brings them in, it's like this sweet-smelling smog that curls its evil tendrils through the air, around the office, and into my cubicle, right into my awaiting nostrils.  Do you remember those cartoons where something oh-so-good smelling gently lifts the main character out of their chairs with a "come hither" finger curl, and they float to wherever it is the evil odor came from?

Yeah.  That's me and donuts.

So, I'd like to please ask anyone who takes donuts into their workplace:  before you do so, can you ask around and make sure that there's no one in the office who is on a diet/lifestyle rehab excursion?

Because this is truly evil.

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