I WANT CHOCOLATE!

Probably the hardest thing about this lifestyle change I've made is the cutting out of chocolate.  I can deal with no sugar, no cookies, some diet cake (I'll tell you about that in a minute), no ice cream, all that kind of stuff.

But when it comes to chocolate, it's a different story.

I'm not talking Russel Stover chocolate--which, I know, a LOT of people love.  I'm talking Hershey's.  M&Ms.  Ghirardelli.  Lindt.  Dove.  Doesn't matter if it's milk or white or dark or semisweet.  

I.

LOVE.

CHOCOLATE.

And I can't have any.

And it's just about to kill me.

I know, I know, you're probably saying "but you CAN have some--you just have to make sure you don't eat but just a little bit."

And therein lies the rub.  I can't stop once I start.  I can't eat just one or two M&Ms.  I have to eat the whole bag.  Not the little snack bag.  The large size bag.

And now I hear that there's good news on the chocolate front--that a little dark chocolate every day improves your life, science has proved.  To those scientist, I just say "WELL DUH!"  I've known this for a very, very long time.  They just want us to cut way way way back on it and only eat like a half an ounce.

Which is like trying to eat one M&M or one chocolate chip.

It's not possible.

So, I broke down and found a pretty good recipe that helps me out.  Kinda.  And it's something that stores easily, too!

3-2-1 Cake

Ingredients:

1 box Angel Food cake (I use Duncan Hines)

1 box any flavor regular cake mix (again, I use Duncan Hines)

2 tbsp water

fruit slices/fat-free or sugar-free or both Whipped Cream/whatever floats your boat for toppings

Directions:

1. In a one-gallon-sized food storage container (Rubbermaid, Tupperware, Ziplock bag, whatever), mix the two cake mixes thoroughly.
2. In a microwave-safe coffee mug, drop in three tablespoons of the cake mix, two tablespoons of water, mix it up well, and microwave it for one minute.  Let it rest for a couple minutes to cool off a bit, because you don't want to burn the snot out of your mouth.
3. Top with your favorite topping(s).

Store the remaining cake mix in a cool, dry place for up to three months.  You can get about 48 small mug cakes out of this recipe, since the mix itself is about six cups.

The basic cake prior to you adding toppings has 80 calories, 1.3g of fat (0.2 g saturated, 0.5 g monounsaturated), 0 cholesterol, 1.2 g protein, 15.8g carbs, 0.2g fiber, and 114 mg sodium.

And you can eat it out of the mug with your spoon.  

My favorite is mixing devil's food with the angel food.

For obvious reasons.

Oh the PAIN!!!!

As I promised yesterday, here is my column on the running thing.

My doctor called me an idiot.

I know that I need to lose about a hundred more pounds.  That's my goal for the rest of the year.  Actually, it's not TRULY my goal, as my goal is to fit in 36x30 jeans and an XL shirt by Christmas when we go to Walt Disney World.  If I lose less than a hundred pounds (muscle weighs more than fat), or if I lose more, that's OK.  I just want to be able to wear the size clothes that I just told you.  Plus, it'll mean that I'll be able to wear the same size clothes that I wore in high school.  Which means my letter jacket will fit.

Speaking of my letter jacket, my sweet, precious, loving, innocent daughter saw it the other day and asked me what it was.  I told her it was my letter jacket from high school.  She then sweetly, preciously, lovingly, innocently asked me if there was a high school when I was a kid, as she couldn't believe that they had it "way back then."

I died a little inside.

Anyway, back to the point of what I started here.

I had stopped running/walking for a couple weeks due to my body just seriously rebelling against me.  More specifically, my left knee was really beginning to give me a lot of problems when I went jogging.  So, I stopped to give my body some time to rest, heal, etc., and picked up more exercise by doing more water aerobics and dancing.

Well, Monday, I started back on the walking thing.  I did a 5K (speed walking) in roughly 45 minutes.  About a quarter of the way through it, my left knee started twinging.  By the end of it, it felt like someone was shoving a blazing-hot butcher knife behind my kneecap.

But I finished.

Well, I decided to go to the doctor.

He called me an idiot.

But I did learn several things.

1. I'm 42 years old.  My body doesn't heal as quickly as it used to.  It also breaks down easier than it used to.  I've got to back off on pushing myself so hard.  In fact, he has told me he will not condone me running/jogging until I've lost at least sixty more pounds.  He told me I can speed walk, but not as quickly as I've been pushing myself.  A sixteen minute mile is plenty fast enough for me at the weight I'm at, as well as the way my knees are acting.  Once I lose the sixty more pounds, I can start working on training for next year's 5K.
2. When I told him that I wasn't pushing myself any harder than the old people on Biggest Loser, he told me that I wasn't paying a lot of attention to what they were doing on the show.  Number one, they don't run a 5K every day of their training.  We see them run full-out for only a couple minutes at a time, then they get to back off a little.  They are under a doctor's supervision at all times, just in case something were to happen.  And, if they have knee problems, they aren't expected to perform as well as those without knee problems.  And I have knee problems, so I need to listen to him on this.
3. I need to get me some better walking shoes.  I've been speed walking in running shoes, which is NOT what they were meant for.  They have very little support in them, and that's causing me to put more pressure on my knees than what I need to.  He recommended me get shoes like Vibram Five-Fingers, as they are EXCELLENT shoes that not only support your foot, but conform to your foot.  And they look cool, too.  They're a little more expensive, but he likes them, and has had several of his other patients react better, run faster, and generally perform far better than they did with just some plain Nikes.

So, basically, I need to relax a little on my workout schedule.  I need to back off and not push myself so hard.  I'm frustrated about it, but I've only got myself to blame.  I am looking forward to losing the next sixty pounds, though, so that I can ramp myself back up and be ready to run in the 5Ks next year.  This year, I'll resolve myself to just walk them.

Until next time, dear readers...

Weighing Down

Well, it's now been six weeks.  Give or take, I mean.  I think it's been more like six and a half, but that's OK.

I'm actually pretty excited today!  My official weigh-in has me down 34.4 lbs!  w00t!

However, I'm aching today.  Seriously.  Aching all over.  I ache in places I didn't realize I had muscles.

I've mentioned before that I do water aerobics.  Well, last week, I did it four different times, as well as Jillian Michael's Six Week Six Pack DVD, the dancing thing AND I did some--but not much--walking.  More on why I didn't do much in my column I'm thinking about for tomorrow or Thursday.

I seriously over-did it last week, I think.  On the scale, it was pretty awesome.  I mean, I dropped a little over five pounds last week.  Who wouldn't enjoy that?  Well, my body certainly didn't.  

But that doesn't mean I'm going to stop.

I'm hoping that I'll get used to the stricter, more active regimen that I'm trying to force myself into.  It's been pretty helpful that I've gone to the lengths that I have to work out.  And with our amazing water aerobics instructor, she's really giving it to us and forcing us to work our butts off.

And it's obviously working.

I've even been told by a LOT of people that they can tell a big difference in me.  My face has slimmed down considerably, and my body has dropped two sizes in pants AND shirts.  Heck--and this is TMI I know--I've even dropped a size in my underwear.  Going to have to go buy some new ones soon.

Speaking of buying new clothes, I finally broke down and bought some new pants.  I only had one pair of 42x30s, and one cannot live on only one pair of pants.  My 44x30s and 46x30s now look like clown pants.  The 42x30s are slightly tight, but they're getting looser.  I'd love to be on 42x30s by April.  I'm hoping to be in either 38x30s or 36x30s by December.

I've dropped enough weight up top to go from a 5XL to a 3XL.  This is important to me, because of our upcoming trip to Walt Disney World.  It's difficult at best to find clothes that are larger than a 2XL available in the shops at WDW, so my goal by the time I get there is to be in an XL shirt.  That way, I know I'll be able to just walk into any clothing store in the World and buy whatever shirt or shorts or pants or jacket or whatever I want, and be absolutely sure I'll fit into it.

But I digress.

I was talking about water aerobics and how our instructor is really killing us.

Take last night for example.  Last night was "Latin" night, so we had to listen to Latin music.  Which isn't a problem for me, except we have to keep up with the beat of the music.

And Latin music is FAST.  

And not only that, she worked in a new exercise that--holy crap--is HARD.  Basically, it's just jumping.  But it's a little more than that.  For twenty (20) seconds, we had to LEAP up and out of the water as fast and as high as we could, immediately leaping up and out as soon as we came back down.  Then, we would get a ten (10) second rest to "catch our breath" (HA!), and then it would start all over again.  

Eight.

Times.

I felt like I was going to have a heart attack.

This exercise is SO much harder than the Patty Cake (well, that's what *I* call it) one she came up with last week.  In that one, you have to pair up with someone about your height.  Then, you both leap up and out of the water, and, at the pinnacle, clap your hands together with theirs.  Twice.  And you had to have clapped twice before you came back down.

And we did it for a minute and a half.

Twice.

With barely ten seconds breather in between.

I know it sounds like I'm complaining.  And, from a certain point of view, I know I am.  BUT!!!!  It's actually working well.  Really well.  I can't expect this fat to melt off my body without me doing something easy.  

In other news, along with exercise, it's also important to eat right.  My family has really been enjoying different types of hummus lately.  Especially since it's so low in calories.  Yes, it is a little high in fat, but that's OK.  It's good fat.  Yesterday, I gave you the recipe for Sun Dried Tomato hummus.  Talk about YUMMY.  Today, I'm going to give you a different recipe.  It's called Black Bean Hummus.  And it's even better than the one from yesterday, if you can believe it.  I found this one on SparkPeople.  I changed it up just a tiny bit to make it where my family enjoys it more.

Ingredients:

3 1/2 cups canned black beans, rinsed and drained

1 small sweet onion, diced

1/2 green bell pepper, diced

3 cloves of garlic, sliced

2 tbsp ground cumin

2 tsp ground red pepper

1 1/2 tsp extra virgin olive oil

2 tbsp cilantro (optional--you don't have to use it if you don't like it)

1/4 c (MAX!!!) vegetable broth.

Sea salt and black pepper to taste

Directions:

1. In a small skillet over medium-high heat, pour in the EVOO, onion, green bell pepper, and garlic.  Saute until caramelized, about three minutes.
2. While those are caramelizing, rinse and drain your black beans, and place them into a food processor.  
3. Drop in the onion, bell pepper, and garlic.
4. Add in the spices and tear off the 2 tbsp cilantro from your fresh bunch.
5. Clip on the lid (or whatever you have to do with yours), and pulse until it's all combined.
6. IF it's too thick for you, add in some of the vegetable broth, about a tablespoon at a time.  I haven't had to do this, because my family really likes it thick.  Anyway, add any salt and pepper you need to it to make it suit your family's tastes.

I typically serve this with some new multi-grain flatbread that I found that has 100 calories per slice.  I cut it up into wedges, then spray it with my EVOO mister, and broil it for a couple minutes to get it toasted.  Anyway, it's called Flatout.  It's a tiny bit more expensive than regular flat bread, but for only 100 calories a slice and I can use three slices to feed my family of six, well...  That's not too bad.  I use this for all my hummus recipes.

Oh!  The hummus makes eight 1/2 cup servings.  Each serving has roughly 123 calories, 1.6 g of fat, and 7.3 g of protien, so it's LOADED with protein and will go a long way.  

It's the Little Things

I know, I know.  It's Valentine's Day.  I should be posting something lovey-dovey and all that rot.  But I'm not really interested in doing that today.  I'm more interested in telling you more about some things that I've encountered that are, actually, helping me with my weight loss.

So, yeah, I'm back on that again.

At this point, I am down 27lbs as of January 9.  Yes, I'm still doing things like water aerobics, running, watching what I eat, etc. etc. etc.  But I'm also here to tell you that I'm doing a lot of little things that I highly encourage people everywhere to do if they're interested in getting fit.

'Cause, you know, I'm the expert and all that.

HA!

While I have absolutely no idea if these things actually work, I'm psyching myself into believing that they do.  And most involve moving your butts a little more each day.  So, here's a list of things that I'm suggesting we all do.  They may work, they may not, I don't know.  But it's worth trying anyway, IMO.

• Don't park up close to the store.  When you pull into Wal-mart or Target or Kroger's or whatever store you're going to--or even your office building!--don't immediately park in the closest spot you can find.  Unless it's raining or snowing or otherwise seriously inclement, I'm suggesting that you park further out.  No, you don't need to park 200 yards away (although, that wouldn't be too terrible...), but don't necessarily try for the closest parking spot you can find.  Then, power walk your way to the door.  Yes, your children will probably complain (mine do), but hey, it gets in a little more exercise for your day.  Who knows?  Maybe it can actually help burn off that Coke you drank on your way to the store?
• Drink water.  I've talked about this before.  I honestly don't have the slightest clue what drinking water is supposed to do for you.  I just know it's supposed to help.  And with things out there like MiO (and off brands), powdered water additives, etc., it's not too terrible a price to pay for being well-hydrated.  My co-worker says that, when you go pee, you're "peeing your fat away."  I don't think that's necessarily true, but, hey...  Who knows?  Plus, when you're drinking water, you're not adding any crap to your body.  I read recently that pop (including diet pop) can seriously affect your body's functions.  Some of them even add something called "bone fat" (I have no clue what that is), which is hard to detect and is really bad for your body.  I've also seen reports where the acid in pop can cause your bones to become brittle.  And then there are those horrible side-effects of aspertame...  So, try to stick with water.  It couldn't hurt...
• Take the Long Route.  If you're drinking your allotted water for the day, you'll have to go pee.  I promise you, you will.  So, when you need to go, take the longest route you can to the bathroom.  Or, if there's multiple bathrooms available to you, go to the one the furthest away from you.  This is akin to the "Don't park up close to the store" idea.  If you're like me and you sit for most of your day, getting up and walking could potentially help you.  And the more you walk, the better you'll feel.  Especially when you finally make it to the bathroom.
• Carry one bag at a time.  When you get home from your shopping trip, carry one bag into the house at a time.  This will cause you to have to make several trips back and forth to your car, so you can walk off even more calories.  Granted, I would certainly suggest you carry in anything that needs to be frozen and/or cold first before you deal with anything else, but hey...  It will still get your butt moving.
• Park at a fast food restaurant.  I have been so guilty about abusing the drive-thru window at my favorite fast food places.  And, yes, I get seriously ticked off when there's a line a mile long.  But you know what?  I've found that if there's a line outside in the drive-thru, there's usually not one inside.  True, I now buy salads when I'm getting the Cub Reporters their McNuggets with Apple Dippers, but I still feel better about going inside the place. Plus, I usually get in and out much faster than having to sit through the drive-thru.  And then there's that added benefit of being able to correct the order mistakes that invariably happen because English is not the order-taker's primary language.  But let's not go there, shall we?
• Skip the phone call.  If you're at the office and need to talk to someone who is in the building, skip the phone call.  Get up and go talk to them face-to-face.  It gets your butt moving, and it also gets you to socialize a little bit.  This is usually a good thing.  Plus, if they're like me and they don't answer their phone even when they're sitting there, it makes it difficult for them to duck the conversation you are wanting to have.  

So, there you have it.  Several ways that I'm trying to get a little bit more healthy every day.  Again, no, I'm not saying that these suggestions will change your body in dramatic ways, but they couldn't hurt you.

Could they?

Donut Dipsticks

One of the blogs that I follow (you can see the ones I try to read every day over there on the right-hand side of your screen under the comics) is People I Want to Punch in the Throat.  I have since her classic Over Achieving Elf-On-The-Shelf Mommies post.  And, yes, I've read through a great many of her previous ones.  She's extremely talented.  I will give you a language warning for her, though.  But she's still incredibly funny.

Anyway, I say all that to say this:  I'd like to punch whoever it is that keeps bringing donuts into this office in the throat.

I love donuts.

I cannot have donuts.

I want to eat donuts every time I see them sitting there in all their glazed/frosted/jellied/powdered glory.

I cannot have donuts.

I want to dive into those donuts feet first and leave in a doughnut-induced sugar coma.

Did I mention that I cannot have donuts?

They are nowhere on my diet.

And someone keeps bringing them in.  Every.  Day.  Boxes of them.  Daylight Donuts.  Krispy Kremes.  Dunkin Donuts.  Dear.  Lord.  I'm sitting here salivating even as I think of these things.

Do you have ANY CLUE how many calories are in a doughnut?

Krispy Kremes are anywhere from 100 calories (for the boring "sugar") to 400 (for the oh-so-good Iced Chocolate Cream) calories.  PER DONUT.  And my favorite?  The regular, yeast glazed donut?  190!  DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY OF THESE THINGS I CAN CRAM IN MY MOUTH?!?!?

Dunkin Donuts are even worse.  The smallest calorie count I can find is 240 for a cocoa glazed.  It's 550 for that chocolate coconut cake donut.  Oh my dear lord.  And it's so good it can make your toes curl.

When someone brings them in, it's like this sweet-smelling smog that curls its evil tendrils through the air, around the office, and into my cubicle, right into my awaiting nostrils.  Do you remember those cartoons where something oh-so-good smelling gently lifts the main character out of their chairs with a "come hither" finger curl, and they float to wherever it is the evil odor came from?

Yeah.  That's me and donuts.

So, I'd like to please ask anyone who takes donuts into their workplace:  before you do so, can you ask around and make sure that there's no one in the office who is on a diet/lifestyle rehab excursion?

Because this is truly evil.

Fitness Tracking

I know that there are a LOT of apps and systems out there to help someone lose weight.  I mean, we are inundated every day by a spokesperson discussing/singing the virtues of this weight-loss system and how theirs is superior to everyone else's.

Yeah, I'm not into that so much.  Sure, the systems out there work.  They also cost an arm and a leg.  If I had a celebrity's money, I'd probably go with one of those myself.

But I don't.

And, honestly, I am really struggling with calling what I'm on a "diet" anymore.  I've come to the conclusion that I'm not on a diet, per se.  I'm on a treadmill to get fit.

Sure, I do have aspirations of weighing what I did when I was in college (175lbs), but that's not going to be the case this time.  Why?  Because back then, I was skin and bones before I started really gaining weight to wean me off of my unhealthy lifestyle choices.

Which, now that I say it like that, is extraordinarily funny.  I went from being an unhealthy 175lbs to an unhealthy what I am now.

Yea me.

No, my goal is to become fit, no matter what my weight is.  I know that I'll never get to the point that my body will look like David Beckham's body that they splashed across my television screen Sunday night in all his be-tattooed and underwear glory, thereby making every man in the room seriously uncomfortable as all the wives were trying to contain their drool.

I don't have time to do what he does.  I have a wife and a family--just like he does--but I don't have the ability to play soccer all day long, or lift weights six to eight hours a day, or anything along those lines.

And, truth be told, I don't really want that many tattoos, either.  I mean, HOLY INK, BATMAN!

But I *do* want to be fit.  

So, I went out and talked to several people about what they use to help them get fit, looked at the various options they presented, and picked the one that is right for ME.  Note:  this is NOT the one that The Editor selected for her.  Just letting you know this up front.

I chose a free app/website called SparkPeople.  

It's an app that does different things depending on which phone you're running it on, as well as a website.

And you don't have to use both the app and the website.  You can use one or the other if you choose.  I chose to do both, because it makes my life easier.

You see, I work in a building that has so much concrete and metal in it that it interferes with cell phone signals.  So, the app doesn't really do a lot of good for me while I'm here.  So, I use the website at work, and the app at home.  And they sync when the opportunity arises and I have a cell phone signal.

When you create your ID, it will ask you basic information:  your height, your weight, your age, your sex, etc.  All the things that are normally done for this kind of tracking system.  It then goes through this convoluted algorithm and spits out the calories you should eat every day to maintain your weight as is.  It's not going to tell you what you SHOULD eat to lose weight, as that's between you and your doctor.  

And while it's tracking your calories, it also tracks your fat intake, carbs, etc. and tells you how many you have left for the day.  Based on what you need to maintain where you are right now.  PLUS, it calculates how many calories you burn just by sitting there, sedentary, all day (like how many calories your heart burns by beating, how many you burn by breathing, etc.).  This gives you a terrific baseline for balancing your exercise regimen as well as how much you eat.

With so many people using it, I find that I can usually just click on "Food Tracker" and type in the name of a food I've just eaten.  It will spit out several possibilities (ie, if you've just eaten a McDonald's 5-piece chicken nugget meal and type in "chicken nuggets," it will give you options like "McDonald's" and "Wendy's" and the list goes on) that I get to choose the most appropriate one, tell it how many servings I've just eaten, and it calculates everything for me so I can see my results right there in black and white.  Easy!

If I can't find what I've just eaten, there's an option there for me to input all the dietary information.  For example, if Special K were to release a brand-new flavor of their drink mix and it's not in the list, I can quickly and easily input the information in another screen.  Then it's added to my list of Favorites, and I can, next time, quickly choose it from my list and add it to my food intake.  This is also handy for if I make a recipe out of a cookbook (assuming the recipe gives me all the dietary information), I can input that and it's at my fingertips the next time I make that recipe.

Which brings me to your list of favorites.  The phone app and the website can talk to each other.  Whatever special item you've put in goes into your list of favorites, and you can get to it on both the website and your phone.  On the website, as well, you can choose what OTHER people have input and add it to your list of favorites!  That way, you're not having to search for a new item all the time.

If you have the app on an android phone, there's a scanner option that you can scan the barcode off a food item in the grocery and immediately store it and all its dietary info in your favorites.  I wish they had this option for iPhones.  Maybe in the next update.  I dunno.  But I can dream.

This app will also help with your fitness, too.  You simply type in the search function the type of fitness you've just completed, tell it how long you were doing said exercise, and it calculates how many calories you've just burned off.  In some cases (like running/walking/jogging) you need to tell it how FAR you were travelling, and it will calculate your mph as well as the burned calories.  

You can even track how much water you're drinking each day.

If you give it your goals (daily, weekly, monthly, and even yearly if you prefer), it can give you a report to tell you how you're doing.

And speaking of reports, there are a LOT of reports available to you.  From your calories differential (how many calories you've burned, how many you've ingested, etc.), you can quickly and easily figure out how many ounces/pounds you've burned off that day.  In my experience, it's almost exactly dead-on.

The website has so much more to give as well.  There are more reports you can run, there are recipes that people have submitted, there are terrific articles about wellness/fitness...  The list goes on and on.  

I highly recommend SparkPeople.

It's helped me change my life.

The Fun Run Is A Lie

No, I'm not any kind of expert in the field of running.  I'm sure there are loads of people out there who actually enjoy putting on tennis shoes and going out and running from here to there with absolutely no real reason to be doing so other than to move their butts and burn off some calories.

But I do know this:  there is absolutely no such thing as a "Fun Run."

I despise running.  Oh, don't get me wrong, I still do it.  Every day I can.  Basically, at least four to five times a week.  

I just hate it.

It disgusts me.

I think my main reason for hating it is because it's boring.  Sure, I listen to my iPhone play music that helps set a beat so that I can "get lost" in the music and ignore what my poor, wretched body is doing...  In theory.  The reality?  I use the beat to get my feet going, and then I concentrate on not falling on my face and looking like a complete dork.

And while I succeed in the "not falling on my face part," I'm fairly certain I fail miserably with the not "looking like a complete dork" part.

Yet, I continue to do so.

Usually at the wrong times of the day, I might add.

You see, if I'm going to go running, I like to do it alone.  Completely alone.  As in, there's-no-other-person-on-the-YMCA-jogging-trail-except-me type of alone.  And I've yet to be there at a time when there was no one else on the trail.

And I've been there at ALL HOURS.

I think that a large part of my problem has been my shorts.  You see, until last Tuesday (a week ago now), I didn't have any real "running" shorts.  I had jean shorts.  That was the extent of my wardrobe collection.  And not just any jean shorts.  These are OLD jean shorts.  I've had them for roughly fifteen years.  They are my favorite, most comfortable shorts I own.  I do everything in them from lounging around (which I do a LOT of) to painting my children's bedrooms (not so much anymore, but probably will be doing again soon) to running around and accomplishing errands to running around a track and accomplishing little to nothing.

Have you ever tried to run in jean shorts?  They're heavy.  Which, under normal circumstances, would be a good thing.  Except for the fact that as I lose weight, I'm getting disproportionately thinner.  

What I mean by this is that where I *want* to lose the fat isn't where it's disappearing as much.  I'm losing it more around my waist, in my face, and in my arms more than in my belly.  This is both a good thing and a bad thing.

You see, when I started this all on January 9, 2012, I was wearing (holy crap) 46x30s.  I've been wearing them for roughly three years now.  And in the month since I started with all this stupid running business, my old ('cause I kept them) 44x30s are beginning to fall off of me.  

My shorts are 44's.

Meaning, they're falling off of me.

Do you know how hard it is to run in jean shorts when they're falling off you?  As I said before, I look like an idiot while I'm trying to run.  Why?  Because I've been running and having to hold up my shorts.

But I haven't really been wanting to spend the money on actual running shorts.  Why?  They're expensive.  Especially in *my* size.

Finally, I couldn't take it any more.  Well, that, and Academy finally ran a sale on theirs.  Got some UnderArmor's for $25.  XLs, so I'm happy about that.  I think.  I have no idea what size that translates to.  They're a little big on me, but not as tight as the Ls were.  And they have a drawstring, so I can really cinch those babies up tight.  So as long as I'm not carrying anything with me (my phone, my wallet, my keys, all of which I worry about while I'm out running), they stay up where they're supposed to go.

Sheesh.  That was an aside I wasn't banking on.  Let me get back to the point of this post:  Fun Runs are a lie.

So I signed myself up for not one but TWO 5Ks.  

Because I'm an IDIOT.

One of them is at the end of March, and I'm bound and determined to run at least MOST of it.  I can't quite run 3 miles yet.  Well, no, that's a lie.  I can't run a mile yet.  But I'm working my Couch-to-5K like a dog, and I'm hoping to be able to run at least 2 miles of the 5K by the end of March.

And that's if my body doesn't give out on me.  By the time I'm finished with the 30 minutes the Couch-to-5K "lesson" takes me, my knees are cranky, my thighs and calves are screaming, my lungs are burning, and my shins hurt like nobody's business.  Unfortunately, that means I'm usually fairly cranky by the time I'm done, too.  Out of breath to be sure (and that's probably a good thing to anyone who smiles at me 'cause I can't bite their heads off).

And while I'm running (and getting lapped by others who are out there running making me feel even more inferior), I'm looking for that "runner's high" that liars people who run keep telling me about.  I don't think my body is capable of producing those hormones or whatever they are.  So, basically, I've reached a conclusion:  the people who tell you that they get runner's highs?  I think they're deluded.  I think it comes from a lack of oxygen to the brain.  

I hope I'm wrong, though.

But I doubt it.

So back to the Fun Runs being a lie.  I received an e-mail from the people whom I had to sign up with for the March 5K.  It was entitled "Fun Runs 2012!" and listed several "Fun Runs" that are occurring this year.

Given all I've already said, I cannot for the life of me understand why ANYONE would call these things "Fun."

Just Call Me Derek Hough-N-Pough

To add insult to injury in my weight-loss scheme, my co-worker has convinced me to sign up for...of all things...DANCE CLASSES.

"Even Doctor Oz says it's great for you!  It helps both your mind AND your body!"

In other words, "Get Sane While You Get Thin."  

I need these classes.

In the worst possible way.

I started them last Friday night, and have to go back tonight (hey, I spent $100 on these classes, I might as well continue!).  They are held at a local community college in their Community Outreach program.  One hour of it has Country and Western Dancing firmly centered in its sites, and the second hour of it is Ballroom.

Plus, the first hour of the class is chock-full of people.  There are like twelve couples, three little old lady sisters (did you ever catch an episode of The Nanny with Fran Drescher?  The little old lady sisters look like Fran's grandmother on that show.  With bigger teeth.), another very tall, very thin older woman who, apparently, has been taking classes there for YEARS (and it shows), and then me.

Being from Oklahoma, if there's one dance move I can do, it's a Two-Step.  It's in our blood.  Try doing it with the three sisters who aren't from this country, spoke little-to-no-English (they spoke some kind of -ese: Chinese, Vietnamese, Japanese, I couldn't really tell), and laughed at me the entire time.  With some kind of rancid fish on their breath.

Or maybe the one I was dancing with was laughing from embarrassment as the other two laughed at her for dancing with the big American lummox.  I dunno.

And that's pretty much all we did the entire hour.  Sure, we danced the Electric Slide.  ONCE.  The rest of the time was the Two-Step.

Once that hour was up, everyone but me and one other couple stayed, and then another couple showed up. So, yes, it was me and two couples.  

Yea me.

Fortunately, I found out that the other "couple" that stayed weren't a couple at all.  Just like my co-worker and I are close friends, so are they.

Oh, didn't I mention why my co-worker--the one who convinced me to go--wasn't there?

Yeah.

She tore up her knee the Sunday before the class started.

So not only was I there alone, but I didn't know a soul.

It's hard to describe the entire thing without using the word "cluster" in there somewhere.  But on the upside....  Y'all, I can now FOXTROT!  w00t!

If you've ever wanted to know how to do a basic Foxtrot, it's simply a reverse half-twist of the Two-Step.  In a Two-Step, you step with your left foot, slide your right foot up to it, then take two more normal steps.  A Foxtrot is where you take two normal steps, then, using your left foot, step to the side and then slide your right foot over to it.

Make sense?

Yeah, it took me a while to catch on, too.

And THEN the instructor gave us two more moves (the "Promenade" and the "How to get out of a corner") after we got that down.

Yeah, it took me a LONG while to catch on, too.

In the end, I did get to dance about three-quarters of the time with the other lady who was there.  Her friend--who has been taking classes longer than she has--was gracious and allowed me to learn the steps with a partner.  

I'm ready to go on Dancing with the Stars now.

KIDDING!

But I do need to go get ready for the Waltz tonight.  I'm actually looking forward to it!

Plateau Planking

I've spent this week sitting here on a plateau.  It's beginning to really irritate me.

If there are two things that really discourage people who are trying to make a lifestyle change, get healthy, and lose weight, it's plateaus and "discouragers."

I'll start with discouragers.

Every one of us has people in our lives that, when we say we want to do something, they're all "Yeah!  I'll do it with you!" and they speak words of encouragement.

Initially.

Then, when the tough gets going for them, they become these menacing little creatures that say snide remarks about your progress.  Or they take something encouraging you've said and twist it around to be a slam towards them and their goals.

I'm here to tell you that, hey, I've been there.  I know exactly how you feel.  It hurts when someone gripes at you because they aren't attaining their goal as well/"quickly"/"easily" as they are.  They don't see that you've spent your days counting calories, fat, cholesterol, etc. and exercising your heart out just to lose those precious few more ounces.  What they see is that it's melting off you faster than it is from them, and then jealousy rears its green-eyed monster head.

And all of a sudden, you become the object of their ire.

They tend to give up at this point, and then it becomes YOUR problem that they couldn't complete their task.  It becomes YOUR fault that they've failed.  So they're going to do everything they can to bring you down with them.

It's OK.  Keep up the hard work!  There are loads of us out there on this same road as you are.  Come to us, and we'll become your cheerleaders!  We know how hard it is you've worked.  We will lift you up and encourage the snot out of you!  

Unfortunately, when you have a discourager dripping acid on you wherever you go, it probably happens when another of life's major obstacles hits you in the face.

The plateau.

Ugh!  I *hate* plateaus.  And I've been on one for most of the week so far.  It's driving me INSANE.  Does anyone have any dynamite so I can blow off the side of this thing?

Fortunately, I've been doing some research, and I've learned a few things about them.  Hopefully, they'll start working soon.  Here's a list of things that I'm attempting to do (some are MUCH harder than others!), so maybe one or two of them will help you if/when you hit a plateau in your lifestyle change:

• Examine Your Diet:  make sure you aren't eating something you shouldn't be.  My most ruthless addiction is to cheese.  I love cheese.  And butter.  Oh, my dear Lord!  Butter is the BOMB!  Unfortunately, both can sabotage weight loss.
• Stop Drinking:  Alcohol, as good as it may be, will slow your metabolism waaaay down.  Plus, it has a LOT of calories in it.  And to make matters worse?  It can cause you to lose your motivation to work out.  It, along with people, is a discourager.  Sorry.  I know it hurts to read that.  It hurts me too.  Red wine is ooooh so good with steak, but I'm trying to find the will to "just say no."
• Vary The Exercise:  This one took me by a little bit of surprise.  But, apparently, it's a known thing to cause plateaus.  Which, honestly, sucks rocks.  If you're like me and you go to the gym and do the same things every day, your body will get used to it.  I know I've been preaching on the glories of water aerobics, but now I need to not do as much water aerobics (although I will still be doing it weekly!) and start doing other stuff instead.  I'll still do water aerobics on Monday nights, Thursday nights, and Saturday mornings, but the other nights I'll do other things.  Like weight lifting.  It turns out your body gets really used to your activity, so it puts itself into this mode where what you're doing doesn't really change anything.  Varying your routine puts the element of surprise in there, and you'll start back off that plateau in no time!  (Note to self--re-read this bullet.  A LOT.)
• Strength Train:  "I think I can!  I think I can!  I think I can!"  Just keep telling yourself this, and eventually, you'll start on the strength training train.  Strength training does a lot of great things for you.  It builds muscle--and muscle burns more calories than fat, and each pound of it burns 50 calories EVEN AT REST during the day.  It ramps up your metabolism.  And, because you're exerting yourself, you're now burning more calories anyway.  (Note to self--re-read this bullet as well.  A LOT.)
• Change Up Your Exercise Routine Timing:  I know this sounds a lot like the previous two bullets, and, it kind of is.  BUT!!!!  There's a reason behind putting it in a different bullet.  If you change up the amounts of time you're doing your exercise, it keeps your body guessing.  However, changing up the time comes with a price:  you need to change the intensity of the training, as well.  We need to exercise at least 30 minutes every day for weight loss (three times a week to maintain it).  If you up this to, say, 45 minutes, you can spend 10 minutes lifting weights, followed by 15 minutes of running/jogging, followed by 10 minutes of lifting weights again, and finishing up with 10 minutes of some cool-down cardio.  Then you can crawl back to your car and drive home, confident that you've done as much as you possibly can that day.
• Drink Water:  According to what I've been reading lately, health officials are now changing up how much water we should be drinking every day.  And it SUCKS.  According to what I've been reading (and I've found it in a LOT of places--on the internet, in health magazines, etc.), we should be consuming half our body weight in ounces of water every day.  So, for example, if you weight 200lbs, you should be drinking 100 ounces of water.  Every day.  As I said the other day, Oh Sole MiO!

So, my point today is this:  rather than just lay down and plank this plateau we're on, we can work at finding a way off it.  I know how discouraging it is to be on one.  It's driving me INSANE.  But I know that we can get off it.

And tell your discouragers to take a short walk off the side of their own plateau while you're at it.

See you tomorrow!

Calories Are NOT My Friends!

I mentioned the other day that I'm on a 1,500 calorie diet.  Most of the time, I would agree that 1,500 calories is not enough.

But it is for me.

Many times, I have been completely satisfied with the things I have eaten throughout the day.  In fact, there are times when I have to run out after dinner and go to someplace like Subway to pick up a 6" Turkey Breast on Wheat (with Pepper Jack, toasted, all the veggies except jalapenos and banana peppers as those are pickled and nasty) just to hit my 1,500 calories a day.  On those days?  Those are the best sandwiches IN THE WORLD.

So I have been perusing Pinterest lately (yes, I enjoy Pinterest.  You'd be surprised how many fellow Nerdists are on there!) and found something interesting.  A list of Negative Calorie or Zero Calorie Foods.

A Negative Calorie food is something that it takes MORE calories for your body to burn it off than what your body gets from it.  I thought it was a rather interesting list, so I thought maybe you'd like to have it as well:

• Apple
• Asparagus
• Beets
• Blueberries
• Broccoli
• Cranberries (bring on Thanksgiving!  w00t!) 
• Cantaloupe
• Carrots
• Celery
• Chicory (?  why would coffee be on here?)
• Cauliflower
• Cucumber
• Dandelion (really?  WHO EATS WEEDS?!?)
• Endive (pronounced "Ahn-Deeve" if you're snooty)
• Garden Cress
• Garlic (YESSS!!!  Keep those vampires away!)
• Grapefruit
• Green beans (so grass should be on there too)
• Honeydew
• Hot Chili Peppers (assuming you can get it down you--but I guarantee if you eat too many you'll pay for it in the morning!)
• Lemons
• Limes
• Lettuce (is ANYONE surprised by this?)
• Mango
• Onions
• Oranges
• Papaya (can you hear me?  Sorry.  Bad joke!)
• Peaches
• Pineapples
• Radish
• Raspberries
• Spinach (gross)
• Strawberries
• Tomatoes/Tomatoes (let's call the whole thing off!)
• Tangerines
• Turnips
• Watermelon
• Zucchini

Yes, I did alphabetize them.  I'm so OCD I prefer to be labelled CDO.

Aside from the few comments I made in the list, I'm feeling pretty good about things now.  I would caution you to eat your fruits BEFORE 2:00pm.  From what I've been reading, sugar--even fruit sugar--goes straight to your waistline if you eat it after 2:00pm.

And please, don't get me wrong.  I'm not saying these foods have zero calories in them.  For example, do you know how many calories are in an apple?  DEAR.  LORD!  In a CUP of apples, there are 73.8 calories.  True, your fat drops to practically negative (.2g), and your potassium goes way up (143.8mg), but where you need to watch it is in your carbs.  Apples have a buttload of carbs.

(Aside:  A buttload is a lot.  It falls somewhere between a Gross and a Ton).

Anyway, a cup of apples contains 19.1g of carbs.  So if you eat one, be careful about the bread you're putting in your mouth after you've eaten those apples.

Speaking of apples, I have a quick apple slaw recipe if you'd like to try it.  I recommend eating it in single cup increments until you've blown your whole weekend for carbs.  And you'll want to.  It's that good.  Even The Editor and the Cub Reporters love this!

Apple Slaw

Ingredients:

6 apples, julienned*

2 cups of grapes, cut in half

2 cups of shredded carrots**

4 tbsp apple cider vinegar

2 tbsp light mayo (can also use light Miracle Whip if you like)

salt and pepper to taste

Directions:

1)  Julienne the apples.  This will take the most time.

2)  Cut the grapes in half.  This will be fairly quick, I hope.

3)  Mix the apples, grapes, and carrots together in a big bowl.

4)  Mix the apple cider vinegar and the light mayo, then pour over the apple/carrot/grapes mixture.

5)  Mix THOROUGHLY.

6)  Add a little sea or kosher salt, and a little pepper.

7)  Chill in a covered bowl before serving.  The vinegar should help prevent the apples from turning brown, but you should still cover it up pretty good.

*First note:  Julienned simply means you've cut that sucker into matchstick-sized pieces.  This could take some time, but...  It's all worth it, right?  Also, for this recipe, I use three different kinds of apples (two of each kind). 

**Second note:  You can buy carrots already shredded.  I use the kind that have been julienned over the kind that are simply thinly sliced.

Oh Sole MiO!

(This is not a paid advertisement, nor any kind of endorsement.  Although, if it were, that would be kind of cool.  I mean, I've never gotten any kind of endorsement from anyone before.  And to get one from the makers of MiO?  HOW AWESOME WOULD THAT BE?!?!?  But I digress.  On to the post for the day...)

Three pigs went out to dinner one night.  When the waiter asked for their drink order, the first one said he wanted the best red wine the restaurant served.  The second one asked for a Diet Coke, and the third one asked for "water.  Lots and lots of water."

When the waiter returned and inquired about the pigs' meal order, the first one asked for roast beef with garlic mashed potatoes and buttered green beans.  The second pig ordered a salad.  The third ordered "water.  Lots and lots of water."

The waiter thought this was odd, but went on about his business.

After the pigs were finished with their meal, the waiter inquired about dessert.  The first ordered New York Cheesecake with Cherries Jubilee, the second ordered some meringue cookies, and the third ordered "water.  Lots and lots of water."

When it came time for the check, the waiter said that he really had to ask a question.  He understood the first one must be the piggy who had roast beef, and the second must be the one who had none.  But the third?  "What is it with all this water you keep ordering?"

The third pig responded with "Well, how else am I going to go wee wee wee all the way home?"

I know it's a lame joke, but I do enjoy it.

Especially with that's pretty much how I feel right now.

You see, since I started this diet I'm on (I started it January 9, 2012), I've been trying to drink at least eight cups of water a day.  Eight.  Cups.  Of water.

Every.

Day.

I'd like to meet the guy who decided we need to drink eight cups of water every day, and give him a high five.

In the face.

With a water cooler.

I hate water.  I truly do.  It's just water.  There's nothing special about it.  It's just there and it's wet.  And, if it's bottled and has an "Aquafina" label on it, it's got a chemical whang to it.

So since I've started this water kick, I do have a question that directly relates to the joke I told earlier:  Why is it that when you drink eight cups of water a day, you pee ten?  Seriously.  I have to drink it all by three o'clock in the afternoon, or I'm up all freaking night running back and forth to the bathroom.  I learned this the hard way.  On the third night of only getting to sleep in hour-and-a-half increments, I was ready to give it up or dramatically change the way I'm doing things.

Enter MiO.

This stuff has GOT to have Crack in it!

Zero calories, expensive as all get-out, but two or three little squirts into a 16.9oz water bottle?  It makes all the difference in the world.  Right now, my favorites are Black Cherry MiOEnergy, Berry Pomegranate, and Peach Mango.  Ooooh YUM!

Yes, as I said, it is expensive.  Around here, it's roughly $3.50 per bottle.  BUT the regular MiO makes 24 servings.  The MiOEnergy makes 18.

While the MiOEnergy doesn't give you the energy of, say, a cup of coffee, it is still delicious.  I don't recommend the Green Lightning (or whatever it's called) flavor though.  IMO, it tastes like very flat, been-sitting-there-so-long-its-started-to-turn Mountain Dew.  But the Black Cherry is most excellent.

If you're on a diet and trying to get all that water down you?  I highly recommend this stuff.  Plus, it has ZERO Aspertame.  So, no headache for me!  Bonus!

I now no longer have any problems drinking all that water.  Heck, I get it drunk by noon.

Unfortunately, this means that I spend the second half of my work day running back and forth to the bathroom.

Gotta go!

Water Aerobics from Hell

I'm overweight.  I know it.  Anyone who looks at me knows it.  It's just a reality that I'm living with.  But, I'm slowly coming to terms with it and trying to change my life.  I decided not too terribly long ago that, when I turned 45 (just three and a half more years to go!), I would compete in a Sprint Triathalon.

Sprint Triathalons are the sane-man's version of a triathalon.  Instead of running 3,000 miles, then swimming the ocean, then biking the Tour de France, a Sprint Triathalon consists of running a 5K, swimming a half-mile, then biking something like 12 miles.  Easily doable.

Unless you're out of shape.

And I'm out of shape.

So I mentioned this desire to my work-wife (we are the only ones who do what we do here, we sit right next to each other, and, over the course of the past several years, we have gotten to be pretty close friends.  We're always together, so she's become my work-wife.  My real wife is OK with this.), and she says to me "Hey!  That's a great idea!  Why don't we do it together?"

Why not indeed?

So, we started walking in the tunnel system here (they don't let us run in them thar tunnels) every day at lunch, started walking the track at our neighborhood (yes, we live relatively close to each other) YMCA, and have even signed us up for not one, but TWO 5Ks--one at the end of March, and one at the end of April (the Oklahoma City Memorial 5K, which is part of the Memorial Marathon).  Because we are INSANE.  ME?  RUN?  WHO ARE WE KIDDING HERE?

Since my family is going off on an EXPENSIVE vacation at the end of the year, I have chosen not to fork over the hundreds of dollars to have a personal trainer help me with my weight loss.  My accountability partner has.  I'm very proud of her.

Which brings me to the point of this post:  Water Aerobics.

You see, she got me involved in water aerobics.  It's a low-impact, full body workout.  Oh, I know you may scoff at the idea, saying it's only for "old" people, and they don't do much, and that's fine with me.  But you haven't been to the water aerobics classes I'm in.

Our instructor, Danielle, is trying to KILL US.

Take, for example, our workout last night.

Y'all, she made us do crunches.

I know, I know, crunches aren't that big of a deal.  And, normally, I would agree with you.  Yes, they hurt me, but then, I'm overweight.  So exercise of any kind hurts.  But, I can still do some crunches.  (Note the word "some".  It comes back to haunt me later.)

However, this is WATER AEROBICS.  Do you know what is required to do crunches in WATER AEROBICS?  First, you have to float.  Not a problem for me.  I'm naturally buoyant.  THEN, not only do you have to float, but you have to push your butt down into the water, bringing your head as close to your knees as possible, and then back out again into a lying flat position.

Think about this for a minute.  You're floating, and you have to curl up into a ball.  While floating.  And, preferably, NOT DROWNING.  That's pretty key, here.  Trying not to drown while doing this is NOT EASY.

And to make matters worse, she made us do FORTY of these things!  4-0.  HOLY.  SCHNICKEYS!

And all this was at the END of the workout.  This was AFTER the "let's cross-country (ie, you scissor your legs out all the way like you would cross-country skiing while using your arms to pull you through the water since your feet don't do diddly) the entire length of this Olympic-sized pool TWICE (once is all the way down, then all the way back), then go BACK DOWN to the deep end.  From there, we "flutter" (I hate that word.  I prefer to call it "shimmy") our legs for one, then two, then three minutes, plus a few other things.  Between these activities, we have to kick-box our way back and forth across the width of the pool, shadow-box while running in place, and the list goes on. 

We do all these things for an HOUR.  Any part of me that's out of the water is usually drenched in sweat by the end of it.  Heck, last night there was a new girl joining us--a cardiac nurse--who thought, because I was sweating, had gotten flushed, and had lolled my head at one point and closed my eyes (I was actually plotting Danielle's death at that point), she thought I was having a heart attack.  I was so painfully embarrassed by this. 

After these workouts, I can barely crawl out of the pool.  Thank God there are stairs.

Even sneezing (my allergies are acting up) is painful today.

So, as I said, go ahead and laugh and poke fun at me doing water aerobics.  I will tell you this:  on the days that I do them (three times a week), I actually lose more weight than the days that I just do the walking/running thing.  Typical weight loss is an extra pound to a pound and a half.  And that's with eating my normal 1,500 calorie diet.

Yep, I'm staying with this class.  At the very least, it'll help get me ready to swim that half-mile...